Our second day home was very trying to both my spirit and my flesh.
As a christian it is vital to keep the LORD forefront in our hearts and minds, lest the flesh get the best of us. Prayer...our fellowship with God and our strength renewed. His WORD, our very necessary food...spiritual nourishment.
I Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
As the above verse states: this is no different situation than other mother's have faced..common to so many, yet as a Christian, there is a difference. I can seek His face and know that he is GOD and that he allows certain times in our lives for a purpose. To prove us, to use us, to mold us.
Is there a way for me to escape....to bear it....
PRAYER. TRUST. FAITH.
I wanted so desperately to run to God's arms...fears had compassed me about. I was so exhausted. I did not realize how much stress I had put on myself..requiring my own perfection!I wanted each of my children to feel loved. I did not want to neglect my husband...and I did not want to fail, Stephen.
My husband had been up early with three of the children getting them off to school, while I took care of the babies. Our youngest daughter...so sweet, just followed me around watching. Every now and then I'd stoop down to give her a little hug of assurance. Her daddy would spend time with her and little Charlie reading stories in the living room, so that I could focus on Stephen.
This was the day, the tubing needed to be changed. I dreaded this day coming. No nurses around to aid me. My confidence was waning. I gently pulled the tubing out before giving him a bath. His mouth was always very dry due to the tubing and so it was necessary to swab his mouth continually and also keep his skin soft with lotion.
I hated the medical smell of the lotion prescribed for his skin...I wanted so much to put "baby" lotion on him and soak in that sweet baby smell so familiar to mothers.
Often, in my fleshly mind...I would feel cheated...and then I would call to remembrance my witness with Kathryn. That precious soul responding to the call of salvation. Each day spent with her was confirmation of God's work in her life and in ours.
(...that ye may be able to bear it)
"Yes, Lord...I do want to be used for your honor and glory. Oh, how I want so much for Kathryn and others to have the salvation we know !"
I put the tube in half way and at the same time Stephen became very distressed and his skin color changed to a grayish blue, I gently, but quickly pulled it back out.
Fear had gripped my soul.
I tried again, but Stephen kept choking and became very agitated.
"Oh dear, LORD.....I'm so afraid!!" "How...am I going to do this, again and again and again!!"
I managed to reinsert the tube, but the agitation made him very tired and he quickly went to sleep... while I went to the other room...and cried.
My husband reassured me and said next time he would stand nearby if I needed help.
The time had come...my own weakness settled in...
"Oh, Lord..what is in store for me? I know that you love me LORD, I know you are with me...I'm scared...but I do have hope. I know you are with me.
Oh, how I pray for these dear souls that have come my way. Oh, LORD..if Stephen's life is this witness of your grace...oh, please help me to know what to do"
Watching Stephen even for just this day, caused me great concern. He just didn't look well. Maybe it was just my inner fears.
I'll try again until Friday and if Stephen is too distressed and his appearance not well, he'd be better in the care of the nurses.
The next day, I finally found a moments peace and managed to have a quiet time all my own. The elder children in school, my husband took the youngest two with him shopping and Stephen was sleeping.
Another social worker who was to check on our progress was due to visit. A very nice lady, but of commanding stature. I was anxious for this visit so that she could help me evaluate Stephen's condition. I want what is best for my baby and knew I must set aside my desires for him to be home with us as a family, if his needs are greater than I can provide.
Such a heart wrenching decision...to let go...to have him return when we waited so long for this time together.
As I sat next to his crib, stroking his forehead as he loved...I'd talk to him and the LORD at the same time.
"Stephen, surely God has placed you in our lives to strengthen our faith. We prayed to be used for his Glory...and he gave us your precious presence to cherish and watch his mighty hand. How Kathryn and others have come to love you as well....
Lord, let our lives bring forth your light...oh, may it shine through us...through our precious son."